As revealed by Nigel Wallis, director of Legal Futures Associate O’Connors Legal Services Limited 
As you may have heard on the grapevine, Mrs Claus and I will not be working this Christmas. We have managed to bag a last-minute package deal to the Democratic Republic of Barbados and, whilst we appreciate the timing is not ideal, Mrs Claus feels we need some time out to thaw our frost-bitten joints.
As Christmas tends to be quite a busy time at the North Pole Post Office, I am circulating this note just to remind everyone of a few essentials to ensure a smooth trading period whilst the boss and I are away enjoying ourselves.
- Our operations director, Gladys Friday, will be in overall charge of Christmas 2021. I appreciate she is quite new to the business but her experience of discreet parcel deliveries whilst head of lingerie at John Lewis should stand her in good stead.
- Our elfin safety officer, Getcha Doublejab, has notified all furloughed elves that they are now required back in the workshop – so the days of switching off webcams and sneaking out for a quick Costa are over.
- The shortage of qualified sleigh-drivers and the rising cost of reindeer nuts continues to be a challenge, so I have put our army reserves on standby to deliver parcels should conditions worsen. I’ve code-named it The Big Finnish.
- Please continue to use the hand gel provided when you enter the workshop. That applies to you too, Lukas – you forget we have CCTV in the staff sleigh park.
- I appreciate the cost of living in Lapland is high, but staff should never mix our alcohol sanitizer with Fever Tree Tonic. It is extremely expensive, and Mrs Claus tells me that Morrisons’ own-label tonic tastes just as good.
- It may be true that reindeer cannot catch Covid, but we all know they have some disgusting habits. We do not want soiled gift wrap upsetting little tummies during the festive season, so please make hygiene a top priority. As the old saying goes, cleanliness is next to godliness – except in a dictionary.
- Please be aware that working from home is not as green as one might think. It costs a lot more to heat a thousand small igloos than one big workshop, so please get into work and stop whining about the commute. Remember, Mrs Claus and I have a lot of travelling ahead of us over the Christmas period too.
- Following yesterday’s note to all staff from our office manager, Ivor Toughboot, I have been asked to clarify that the word ‘it’ in the phrase ‘please wipe it clean with a wet wipe after use’ referred to the photocopier. No more childish feedback please.
- May I remind you that the ban on kissing colleagues at work continues. With temperatures now dropping below minus 30, the risk of getting stuck to one another is extremely high, and we don’t want a repeat of last year’s fiasco at the Christmas party.
- To correct a silly email that has been circulating, our ‘Going green campaign’ has nothing to do with sleigh-sickness and the environment is no laughing matter. I’ll have you know that reindeer flatulence was the subject of a fringe meeting at the recent COP26 and put the wind up quite a number of delegates.
- Talking of silly emails, the suggestion from Elias that our ‘Levelling-up agenda’ will involve us flattening our ski slopes is just plain nonsense – much like Prime Minister’s Questions that I listen to on the BBC World Service.
- Finally, our perpetually optimistic sales director, Willy Signup, has asked me to share his favourite message from this year’s ‘Santa’s Postbag’. It comes from Dolly (aged 10) who writes: “Dear Santa. I’m leaving you a carrot instead of mince pies and sherry this year. There’s a photo of you in the Radio Times looking very overweight and I don’t want to be held responsible for making things worse.”
I do hope everything goes well over the festive period – it’s such a shame there’s no phone signal or internet connection in our luxury hotel.
Happy Christmas and best wishes to you all!